The ghosts of Gavin Friday
Written, produced and arranged by Mr Friday and the boy d’Angelo
A Dubalinn Dialogue
One Act Musickal Radio Play
Persons: Gavin Friday: Brendan Behan: Oscar Wilde: David Bowie:
Marc Bolan: Peig Seyers: Mr Pussy: Ma and Da Friday: Two Bootboys:
Two Oul’Wans: Enrico Caruso
Scene: 31st December 1999
Dublin City – Northside
PLAY AT MAXIMUM VOLUME
‘THE GHOSTS OF GAVIN FRIDAY’
FADE UP; heartbreakingly plangent sound of TIN WHISTLE; as if coming
from within the very rocks of the countryside; carrying with it the
pain of generations.
GAVIN; Maybe now we’ll get a bit of peace.
NEWSBOY; Herald or Press! Herald or Press!
SONG; Ah to begin the morning,
The screw was bawling.
GAVIN; There was a town.
SONG; Twas in the early month of May
First from home I started
Left me darling mother nearly broken hearted.
GAVIN; Dublin they called it.
DUB; Me jewel and darlin’!
GAVIN; Up your arse.
DUB; I knew Brendan Behan.We were in a brigade together.
BEHAN; The bleedin’ fire brigade. He never knew me,Gavin.
GAVIN; I need you to tell me that?
BEHAN; Another pint of stout, barman. And a whiskey for the
fella in the dress.
GAVIN; Sound man, Brendan.
GAVIN; It’s split by a river. There it is.
FX; Liffey Water.
GAVIN; You’ll find me on the far side of it.
OUL’WAN 1; There’s Gavin! Hello Gavin!
OLD’WAN 2; Don’t be talking to him! He’s mental!
GAVIN; Howya Mrs Curran! Hello there Mary!
OUL’WAN 2; Jasus, the state of him!
GAVIN; Keep going north and you’ll see a sign.
VOICE; Welcome to Dublin. Buy more Heineken!
GAVIN; I’m somewhere in behind that. You can blame me ma.
MUSIC; FRANK IFIELD.
MA; Do you think I am nearly ready to go doctor?
DOC; You’ll have to be patient Mrs Friday. He’s a big lad.
MA; Don’t I know it.
GAVIN; But my time came. And out I popped.
FX; BABA CRIES
OUL’WAN 1; Would you look at the head of him.
OUL’WAN 2; And the hair. Where would you get hair like that!
OUL’WAN 1; A singer. I’d say he’ll be a singer.
OUL’WAN 2; I love singing. Frank Ifield. I’d climb in bed beside
him any day. I would. I wouldn’t care.
MUSIC; FRANK IFIELD
OUL’WAN 1; Frank Ifield can sing all he likes.
Our Gavin’ll charm the birds out of
The trees, won’t you Gavin?
FX; BABA CRIES.
GAVIN; Maybe I would. Maybe I wouldn’t. All I knew was getting
ready for school and me da shouting.
DA; Will youse hurry up to hell outa that!
GAVIN; Not that they were bad days. There was always the telly.
TELLY; A horse is a horse of course of course!
MA; Did you ever hear the like of it? A talking horse.
DA; The world’s gone mad!
GAVIN; Music? Sure I liked it.
MILLIE; My boy lollipop bop bop bop bop!
GAVIN; But it wasn’t my life. It was just something you heard.
MUSIC; Young Girl get outa my heart….!
BOOTBOY 1; Look at him! He’s a scaredy cat!
BOOTBOY 2; Get in ya thick!
GAVIN; That was holidays for you. Sand in your cone and Gary
Puckett on every street.
BOOTBOY 1; Look there he is again!
BOOTBOY 2; Friday the Byeday the Big Fat Friday!
GAVIN; One day you will regret this!
GAVIN; I said one day you will regret this!
BOTH; Oh yeah! When?
GAVIN; When I am gigantic, just like Enrico.Je suis Apollo.
BOOTBOY 1; What’s he talking about?
BOOTBOY 2; Him and his big words. Come on!. He’s a spa,we’ll get
GAVIN; But that was a long way away. The far side of Peig
Sayers and her wooden pipe.
PEIG; Is maith liom an diddly doodly.
GAVIN; Sayers – go off and die, ya bollix
PEIG; Cad e sin?
GAVIN; It was around that time I first met Oscar.
OSCAR; Dear boy. Dear, dear boy.
GAVIN; Now that was something.
OSCAR; Perhaps you know the ancestral home of the family,Mr.
GAVIN; Indeed I do, Oscar. Merrion Square. Many’s the time I
OSCAR; Such news gladdens my heart.
GAVIN; Every night he’d come to visit me and I’d think of your
BEHAN; Good man yourself there, Oscar. (Every way you had it)
GAVIN; He was a sort of ghost I suppose. A ghost that was with
OSCAR; Do you think I was right to stay and fight Gavin?
Perhaps I ought to have fled to Paris.
GAVIN; You stood your ground. Not many do. Fair play to you.
OSCAR; Bosie broke my heart.
GAVIN; Each man kills the thing he loves. Die de da, die de da.
SONG; EACH MAN KILLS THE THING HE LOVES.
OSCAR; Melmoth The Wanderer, he walks the spirit world alone.
BEHAN; What are you on about, Wilde? Gavin-what’s he on about?
GAVIN; Give him a few verses of The Auld Triangle to cheer him
BEHAN; Ah to begin the morning
The screw was bawling.
OSCAR; Dear God! What is that foul cacophony?
BEHAN; Piss off to Paris.
GAVIN; You’d know plenty about that. Or so they say.
BEHAN; They say right. I woke Sam Beckett up in the middle of
GAVIN; Fired stones at his window.
BEHAN; Wake up, Cockerel-Head! I need money for porter!
GAVIN; Do you want a jar?
BEHAN; Fair dues to you Friday, your bloods worth bottling.
FX; JINGLE OF COIN.
GAVIN; Now piss off and stop annoying me.
BEHAN; (Fading off) And the auld triangle went jingle jangle
all along the banks of the Royal Canal.
GAVIN; Where The Thin White Duke stood one day.
BOWIE; A ghost, Gavin.
GAVIN; The jean genie lives on his back.
BOWIE; Lives on his back by The Royal Canal.
GAVIN; Didn’t know what time it was the lights were low,I
leaned back on my radio.
BOWIE; Some cat was laying down some rock and roll
Lotta soul he said!
OSCAR; Do I know this person?
BOWIE; ‘Allo! Ziggy to you, dear boy.
OSCAR; Charmed I’m sure.
GAVIN; He plays guitar. With the Spiders from Mars.
OSCAR; Are you aware dear boy that a spider is the only insect
a woman takes to bed because it-now wait, let me see….
GAVIN; You’re losing it, Oscar.
OSCAR; Ah yes. A spider is the only insect a woman takes to bed
BEHAN; Ah give it up Oxter. You don’t have to impress us.
C’mere till I tell youse. I’m painting a lighthouse above in Antrim.
Says the wee Orangeman-do a good job now. Job’s Oxo, I says. When he
comes back-in bright red letters: This lighthouse is the property of
Eamon de Valera of the Irish Free State. How’s that, Oscar?
OSCAR; This De Valera – ?
GAVIN; After your time, Oscar.
BEHAN; Don’t worry. You’d have ended up the same way with that
long lanky bastard. Jesus Christ. Who’s this coming?
MUSIC; BURST OF TONY VISCONTI STRINGS
BOLAN; Have you ever seen a woman coming out of New York City
with a frog in her hand?
BEHAN; What in the name of bleedin’ Jasus is he talking about?
OSCAR; The paradox is imperfect.
BOWIE; Well if it isn’t the Twentieth Century Boy!
BOLAN; What’s left of him.
BEHAN; Another singer, wha?
BOLAN; My people were fair
They had sky in their hair
But now they’re content to wear
stars on their brow.
OUL’WAN 1; I told you he was mental. Didn’t I tell you he was
OUL’WAN 2; Will you shut your mouth! That’s Marc Bolan!
OUL’WAN 1; Marc Bolan?
OUL’WAN 2; Yeah.The one that had all them hits! Out of T.Rex.
BEHAN; I’m fed up with all this blather. I have a painting job
BEHAN; Down by the North Wall.
GAVIN; You’re talking crap. You’re off for more drink.
BEHAN; Are you calling me a liar, Friday?
BOWIE; Oh no! The Irishmen are going to start fighting!
OSCAR; An Irishman is only an Englishman who thinks he’s an
Irishman but an Englishman who thinks-no, that’s not quite right…
GAVIN; I’m calling you nothing.
BEHAN; No you’re not. Sitting there with the long hair and the
fag hanging outa your mouth. And I’ll tell you something else-your
album is crap!
GAVIN; What album?
BEHAN; Flying Mickies Over Finglas.
GAVIN; I don’t have an album called that. That’s a painting ya
BEHAN; Well-whatever it’s called. With that half-man half-woman
MR.PUSSY; Is that bricklayer referring to me?
ALL; Mr Pussy!
MR PUSSY; For your information, Mr Behan, the title of the record
is Shag Tobacco and I’d thank you to be very careful otherwise it might
not be the only thing shagged around here. Am I correct, Oscar?
OSCAR; (Abstracted) Mr Friday’s music is to art what spiders
are to women-no…
BOLAN; I have never ever kissed a car before it’s like a ball
BOWIE; Take me back to ’72. My Coo ca choo.
MR PUSSY; Bravo! Bravo mesdames and messieurs! Encore Mr Bolan! Mr
BEHAN; That’s it. I’m definitely going now. This is worse than
a month in Mountjoy!
MR PUSSY; Good luck and don’t come back! Writers these days, Mr
Wilde! Wherever does Gavin get them?
OSCAR; Where he gets all his ghosts I expect.
MR PUSSY; Indeed! And doesn’t care where he puts them!
BOLAN; Not so much as a word and there I am!
BOWIE; Me too! Do you think he’d drop a line? David I’ll be
calling your ghost for my album!
MR PUSSY; Oh for heaven’s sake don’t be so picky you pretty bunch
of pansies! Now fall in line for Pussy and no more silly nonsense.
MEGAPHONE; Welcome to the end of the twentieth century! Je suis le
CARUSO; Wait-a for me! Hey! Stronzo!Non sono io.
MR PUSSY; Oh for heaven’s sake! Come on then!
CARUSO; Singing Is a like-a the shitting only the other way-a
MR PUSSY; OK then-are we all ready? Oscar? David?Marc?Come along
then-ah ah ah come and do the conga!
MEGAPHONE; Gavin Friday welcomes you to the twenty first century!
ALL; Shake it to the left
Shake it to the right
Ah ah ah come and do the conga!
FX; HARRIER JUMP JETS
MR PUSSY; Oh for heaven’s sake, it’s just the same of thing! Gavin
do you think you could be a darling and fix me a Campari? Look out!
FX; EXPLOSION; END OF THE WORLD.
GAVIN; I suppose that’s where we’ll end up. The Cabaret At The
Edge Of The World. Pussy still whinging, Behan painting obscenities on
the clouds and Oscar chasing after Bosie. Still-who’s complaining? The
Diceman’ll be there,won’t he?
MR PUSSY; (Distant) Oh for heaven’s sake Oscar will you watch were
you’re putting those wings! Marc! Leave that frog alone! This is the
last time I’ll tell you David! No spiders in here! Right that’s it! I’m
closing down The Cabaret! No! I will not give you a second chance! OH
all right-just this once! Anything for you, Mr Friday.
MUSIC; ANGEL; repeat to FADE
FX; HAMMERING ON DOOR
BEHAN; Let me in!
MR PUSSY; Oh, piss off Behan!
‘THE GHOSTS OF GAVIN FRIDAY’
WRITTEN, PRODUCED AND ARRANGED
BY MR FRIDAY AND THE BOY D’ANGELO